People are painful to me. I find their presence painful. I’ve been this way since infancy. I created a suite of methods for keeping them away (methods like “passive-aggressive hostility”). These methods became deep habits. Later in life I hungered for company and couldn’t figure out why I was so bad at it. I just recently realized what’s up (thanks meditation). Do any of you relate?
CW: depression and worse
oh god yes, extremely lonely and unable to make any new connections.
for the most part of my life, i was one of those cannot be alone people. an afternoon or evening spent alone was painful, a full day almost unbearable. the very worst was being single, really bad, came with depression and whatnot. so i avoided being single and/or alone for +90% of the time between the teenage years and the beginnings of my 30ies.
then, after the end of a relationship (together literally 24/7 for years), i realized that i cannot be alone and should work on that. i did that and it was good. but i got so good at it, that it now feels strange. and it did not mix well with my tendency towards depression.
i can be with myself, but its not that im doing cool shit (anymore). im lonely and depressed to the point where… lets say it was justified that my friend contacted ppl cuz she thought im about do something bad. also i cultivated a diazepam/modafinil addiction, which i now need in combo for breakfast to have a normal day.
but yes, i have one friend in the place where i live, and she is not a bad or toxic person, actually quite sweet and kind, but i completely cut her (and by that also her boyfriend who i really like) out of my life, blocked every way of her contacting me and ignored her repeated hammering on my door. I dont even remember why, probably she said something too much for my hypersensitivity. those months were lonely (as they all are) but not particularly worse than any other time. few months ago she came over when my door was open and i was in a good mood, so we just hugged and are friends again now, which is really nice.
but its strange to think that, within 1 second, i was ready and then committed to end a many years lasting friendship over something that I dont even remember now. who does that when they already feel extremely lonely and literary have no one else?
also, in the past years i rejected every single person who took any romantic interest in me. who does that when they really fucking crave this kind of company for years? also there are dating apps, why am i suddenly unable to use those?
i wonder a lot if my life can be called a life and if i can be called a person in the real sense of those words. i feel pretty good/optimistic these days, but at some point something just went wrong i guess, and i probably need more than a few good days.
may i ask what you realized recently, and how?