I grew up in a rough household. We had holes punched into the walls, doors torn off the frames, my siblings and I saw regular abuse, and as a kid I constantly felt like I had to do things to keep the family held together.

I felt like I was treated by my parents as a servant. They constantly threw away anything I remotely liked, and continued stacking chores on me, especially those that weren’t my own mess. They gave me the boot shortly before graduation, and long story short, I finally got a place for myself after years of effort.

I just can’t shake this feeling though that things are painfully unfair. Like you escape hell after all these years, and the first thing expected from you is to find a job. I get it, you need to work to make money and pay the rent and bills but… why me? Why after all this time of putting up with the crap you have instead of being a kid are you just expected to step in line like everyone else when you never got that opportunity to find who you are and simply enjoy life for what it is.

I don’t know, is this lazy? It’s not that I don’t want to work, but why can’t I be a kid? Why can’t I have some time to reclaim what all was taken from me and have some time to enjoy myself rather than grasp at random short memories I had before I was 5? Everyone else got it, why not me?

I don’t know, am I just rambling about nothing?

  • Libra00@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    2 days ago

    First let me say that I’m sincerely very sorry about what you went through as a kid. No one should have to.

    But the answer is because living things require a constant energy input to be sustained, whether that energy comes from chasing mammoths down or from the groceries you buy with the salary from your office job. It’s not fair, to anyone, ever, but you have the same choice everyone else has: accept that life isn’t free and get on with it because it’s better than the alternative, or… the alternative. I’m going to offer some advice, but it’s not the ‘help me out today’ kind, it’s the ‘stick this in the back of your head and let it steep for a while’ kind.

    So much of one’s experience in life comes down to attitude. If that sounds stupid it’s only because you don’t have enough life experience to recognize that you get to decide what things mean to you. Whether this is an unfair burden that you shouldn’t have to bear or a miraculous opportunity that shouldn’t be wasted is entirely - and I do mean entirely - up to you. When someone tells you to ‘cultivate a positive attitude’ this is what they mean. Decide for yourself whether you’re staying or going (and I recommend staying because it’s the only option that will let you change your mind later) and, as the kids say, get busy doin’ it. But if you’re staying, you will really have a much better time of it if you let go of this sense that the world owes you anything, that life is unfair, or that you have been singled out for undue suffering. Take it from someone who has been down that path, it’s a tough row to hoe, and you only make it worse for yourself by pushing people away with that anger. This isn’t something that will happen overnight, but I promise that developing a positive attitude will make a difference.

    If you want to speed the process along a bit, I recommend reading some existentialist philosophy, it can really help give you a sense of perspective. I particularly like Camus, the Myth of Sisyphus in particular was a real eye-opener for me. Most people think of existentialism as something scary to avoid, but honestly once I really started to understand it I found it a comfort.

    And if you ever just need someone to talk to who’s been where you are now, don’t hesitate to DM me. I know people just say that, but I mean it sincerely.