i don’t want to hurt people (for no reason) but i want to experience maximum human experience
In general you can’t be responsible for someone else’s emotions.
If you were having a casual relationship and the other person has big feelings you don’t reciprocate, that sucks but it’s not your fault.
If, however, you reciprocate those feelings, or pretended to and led them on, then you do bear some responsibility.
The actual salient question though is if you love this person that loves you. If not, you aren’t doing them any favors stringing them along. That person deserves to be loved like anyone else and you will be causing them more harm than good if you pretend you love them just to save them some heartbreak.
The correct course of action is to be honest about how you feel and also recognize how your partner feels. Whether or not you intended them to fall in love with you, recognize that that is significant and your loss in their life will be painful. There’s no two ways about that, so be kind and compassionate to your partner.
But do not fool yourself into thinking that what’s right is to just keep them around because you don’t want to break their hearts. If they love you, they want to be loved back, and if you can’t do that that’s fine.
Pretending you love them so you won’t hurt them will cause the greatest pain of all.
your comment doesn’t address this: i’d love but i’d leave regardless
Explain your situation then.
Sounds to me like you love your partner and they love you. You’d like to leave to go have other life experiences.
It’s pretty easy, which do you value more, the love you have for your partner or these life experiences you could have?
I don’t know you, but my guess is that if you are thinking about it enough to want to find an answer, then you already have your answer. You value the life experiences more, you care about your partner, and you don’t want to hurt them.
I’ve been married to my wife for over a decade now, I love her with all my heart, I can’t think of any kind of life experience that would make me want to leave her. I imagine that love is not a binary on or off type thing that there are degrees and kinds of love. It’s very well possible that you love your partner but not enough to want to stay together forever.
This is really a question that only you can answer. Which do you want to do, it’s your one life, you get to choose. But don’t stay with your partner because you are afraid of hurting them because if that’s why you stay, you will become bitter and resentful and the idea of “what could of been” will always be this perfect thing that they kept from you.
Stay because you want to stay or leave because you’d rather leave.
Sounds to me like you love your partner and they love you. You’d like to leave to go have other life experiences.
It’s very well possible that you love your partner but not enough to want to stay together forever
pretty much
so when should i announce my plan to leave?
If I were your partner, although it might not feel like it in the moment, the sooner the better.
If you aren’t going to commit to them, that’s your choice to make, but free them up to find someone that will. Every ounce of love and time and attention they pay you from the moment you make the decision to leave until you find the gumption to do it is a waste for them. The most respectful thing you can do is not waste the precious and finite moments of their life.
Let them know what you’ve decided. Have the courage to tell them plainly and honestly that you are leaving and that you won’t be the person to love them. Let them get over you so they can find the person that will love them.
And don’t you dare double back unless you mean to stay. If you stay do it because it’s what you want not because you feel bad. That partner is a human being, one that deserves the truth and to be loved. If you can’t do that, or don’t want to do that, that’s your choice.
This is the least we owe our partners, to be honest with them, to love them or let them find love elsewhere.
I know you are getting a lot of downvotes. Choosing to leave someone you love is not a popular opinion. I could not do it and I think most couldn’t. In time I suspect you will find one of two things to be true.
- You will find someone you truly love and you will recognize that this relationship had affection and care but was different.
- You will find that what was out there wasn’t worth what you gave up, that this was love, and you will wish you had it back
This is life though, the hard decisions, and only you get to make them. I hope you make a good one, and above all, if you want to be a decent human being, treat your partner well. If that means standing by their side in love, great. If that means being honest with them so that they can be happy, also fine. Just don’t lie to them, don’t be needlessly mean in ending it, have the courage of your convictions and tell them the plain simple truth. Don’t make up a reason that feels better, don’t blame them for the relationship falling apart, don’t trick them into hating you.
You owe them that at least.
Every ounce of love and time and attention they pay you from the moment you make the decision to leave until you find the gumption to do it is a waste for them. The most respectful thing you can do is not waste the precious and finite moments of their life.
since i know i am going to leave them from the get go, precious and finite moments of my life is also wasted? what do you mean by waste? why is this a waste? for me this would be something i can fondly remember before i die.
if you split with your wife after 2 kids, are your kids waste?
that you won’t be the person to love them.
what do you mean? i will always love them.
If you stay do it because it’s what you want
not relevant but how can i answer this? do i like her or do i like how she likes me?
Choosing to leave someone you love is not a popular opinion
i have to do it
You will find that what was out there wasn’t worth what you gave up, that this was love, and you will wish you had it back
that would suck
trick them into hating you.
how can someone do that?
the sooner the better
after a month of sex?
before sex?
“hi, i will leave you but i like you, my name is dude”?
You are if you were manipulating them. If you weren’t honest with them about your feelings and intentions, or if you intentionally did things to make them feel a certain way so you could get what you wanted. Or if there was a significant disparity of power between you two such as with large age gaps, particularly at younger ages, or with significant differences is wealth or within other constructed power dynamics such as a workplace.
If you were open and honest both with your words and through your actions, and there was no significant power disparity, then it was their choice to set the boundaries that they did, and to accept the consequences of the relationship they chose.
I think that’s the most I can say without more details.
hmm so i’m all good if i tell them i’d leave them? when would be the best time to say this?
Well “all good” is subjective and depends on lots of factors, but generally I would say amongst consenting adults, as long as you’re open and honest, then there isn’t a moral dilemma caused by a relationship having a known expiration date.
The best time to tell them is as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more morally dubious it becomes imo. I think there can be some exceptions to that based on things like personal crises of the person being broken up with, but in general I would say that it is not your job to protect another adult from information they may find upsetting. It is patronizing to do this, and by contrast, the most respectful thing you can do is be politely and compassionately honest with them as soon as you can.
Don’t be rude about it, but if you’re situation is something along the lines of “I enjoy this relationship but I know that it will not work for me long term” then you should tell them that as nicely but as clearly as possible, and as soon as you can so that they aren’t being lead on.
If they accept that, and you both choose to continue until the expiration date, then there’s nothing wrong with that. If instead your partner decided that means the relationship is no longer worth their time and effort, that’s a perfectly reasonable response and you should do your best to part ways amicably, or transition your relationship into whatever form is most desirable to both of you under those new terms, ie friends with benefits, just friends, or simply exes of whatever level of estrangement.
That’s my advice at least. Again, it’s more generalized as I don’t know the specifics of the relationship.
But generally speaking, the ethics of relationships comes down to consent, and that is only possible when all parties are informed.
The best time to tell them is as soon as possible.
after a month of sex?
before sex?
“hi, i will leave you but i like you, my name is dude”?
Well if you’re not interested in long term relationships at all, then yeah, be upfront about that. First or second date for sure.
Waiting a month is douchebag territory I’d say.
what do you mean by date?
my actions will probably show i want a long term relationship, even though my words say otherwise. what if they can’t comprehend that?
A date in this context is a time when you meet up with a potential romantic or sexual partner with the intention of having fun together doing some sort of activity.
So first or second time you meet them you should tell them of your intentions as far as commitment is concerned, some might even say before you meet up at all. And definitely before any kind of sex.
As for conflicts between what you say and how you act, that can be tricky for some people, but I would say that you should address that specifically by saying something like “I do tend to act in a way that a lot of people would interpret as long term commitment energy, but I need to be clear that this is just how I behave in relationships, and it doesn’t mean that I plan to stick around. I still am only interested in short term commitments at this time and only if I explicitly tell you otherwise should you think anything else”.
Just say what you think and feel and do so upfront and multiple times. Be open and honest and allow them to make their own decisions without guilting or pressuring them.
So first or second time you meet them you should tell them of your intentions as far as commitment is concerned, some might even say before you meet up at all. And definitely before any kind of sex.
but wouldn’t it be weird to say i don’t like commitment that soon?
“I do tend to act in a way that a lot of people would interpret as long term commitment energy, but I need to be clear that this is just how I behave in relationships, and it doesn’t mean that I plan to stick around. I still am only interested in short term commitments at this time and only if I explicitly tell you otherwise should you think anything else”
maybe i should make them sign a form too lol? that would make me feel relaxed
thanks for the ideas
How do you define the “human experience”?
I’d recommend blocking this user and moving on.
Some of the text that was quoted in their deleted post does not pass the ick test for me. The subject of the deleted post is also a good indication of the person’s mindset.
Ick what a weirdo. Good call, should have believed their username when I read it
Cheers mate. Stay safe out there.
I never go further than just talk haha
I’ve been paying attention to this one as well.
It’s kind of like driving past an accident. It’s horrifying, but I can’t look away.
hint. when you connect with someone you create life within life