Ananääs

I once found a fake Harry Potter book named Harry Potter and Deatbly Hallows, probably just a pirated version of the actual book, never read it, but funny to not spell-check the name.

This july I finally realized that I have no choice but consciously change the ways I think and react to things. There has been plenty of difficult things in my life the last couple of years and after experiencing a burnout (again, I understood afterwards it’s not the first time but hasn’t been this bad before) this summer I had to look myself in the mirror and decide to start making changes, things can’t go on like this anymore, I can’t keep on living like this anymore. It’s sad that it seems often these realizations only come when one hits the bottom in a way or another.

I’ve been to a 3-year therapy and tried meds and so on, I’m sure they “paved the path” but didn’t help me comprehend why I have these troubles that I have and didn’t give me the understanding/empathy towards myself and others that is needed to actually change the thought and reaction models that are problematic, especially anger and shame issues.

Anyways I’ve been looking at videos on youtube about CPTSD and they have helped me a lot. Especially I find Tim Fletcher’s videos useful as he thoroughly looks into the underlying issues and different ways CPTSD shows up in people, just the facts as they are. He’s kind of an old school lecturer type guy, nothing fancy and shiny (needs to be taken with a grain of salt though as he doesn’t seem to have understanding on ADHD/autism and has religious aspects in some of his videos).

Of course being recently diagnosed with ADHD gives more light to why I’m the way I am. But now I’ve been able to start to work on my stuff from a different angle and it seems to take an effect! A difficult and rocky path but I suppose the first steps are the hardest.

That object, my friend, is me.

I find it easier to make friends with people that are also on the spectrum and then other stuff comes on top of it, rather than trying to find friends through a shared interest and then trying to adjust to normies strange way of being 😅 (although it seems that many of my friends that I made through a shared interest in the first place later turned out to be on the spectrum…)

I hope this is not Finland like the name Sisu would suggest as it’s very much forbidden to make any live fires at the moment - wildfire warning is set for the whole country. People are ignoring the warnings and starting forests fires with careless campfires, cigarette butts and such. :(

Composting outhouse with styrofoam seat is actually really nice :D especially if it’s used enough to keep the composting going, then when it’s really cold outside one may experience the joy of steamy composting shit warming up your butt while going on your business. Not too bad even in the Finnish winter. Cold plastic seat in the outhouse is the worst.

Finland

0-5 year olds Kindergarten (voluntary)

6 y.o.'s pre-school (mandatory since 2018)

Grades 1-6 in comprehensive school are called “low school” (mandatory) Grades 7-9 in comprehensive school are called “high school” (mandatory)

Second degree years 1-3 (mandatory since 2021), you choose either “upper secondary (gymnasium)” or vocational school (or both).

And if you wish to study further university/uni of applied sciences. Basically everyone does their masters (3+2 years) if they choose uni. Uni of applied sciences is usually 3 years.

1. Cold old house with memories about white cats, whipping sticks and aluminium candy wrappers
2. Burning the old house
3. Cat is my only friend but it has fleas and I slept on the livingroom floor because mice were making noise inside the roof and I was scared
4. Alone but books, except that one time when I was napping and uninvited people came over
5. When the periods came I was never ready and at that moment my childhood ended
6. Moving away and back again and again, why won’t you just separate?
7. I got a pair of fancy new shoes but others bullied me and I never wore them again
8. Finally that shitshow ended and I’m on my own
9. Years of angry and alternative truths
10. Years of realization and actual truths
11. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
12. Darkness has settled but I can’t and the neighbours are banging doors and it sounds like shooting
13. Finally something good
14. And then people and animals die
15. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Pt. 2

A mighty fine stick indeed!